One month before my mother passed away, we took a trip to North Carolina to visit
Biltmore. Although my mother didn't acknowledge the seriousness of her condition, I knew that she didn't have very much time so I booked a trip for just the two of us. I selfishly wanted to be with her, alone, for as much time as possible. I wanted to learn everything there was to learn about her. I wanted to say everything that was yet unsaid.
Mother grew up hearing about Biltmore from her father. During her father's day it was "the" American marvel of architecture and construction and the ultimate destination that he dreamed of seeing. She caught his dream and so did I.
We drove from Texas to North Carolina. It took us two days to get there. I wanted all that car time and empty airtime so that we could talk. I wanted to talk about everything. I needed to know everything there was to know about her. How else was I to go on without her if I didn't know everything she knew? I began asking her about her childhood.
Children can be selfish creatures. If there is no direct impact to them, then they are very likely not to ask or want to know. At 37 years old, I was asking my Mom for the first time what it was like to be her when she was growing up. What I found out shocked and amazed me.
My mom grew up in a home where only one parent loved her. Her mother wasted no time with her and saw her only as a servant. Her mother had a hard time showing affection and vary rarely gave hugs or said positive things. At best, Mom did her chores and was left to her own designs which were usually something outside close to her father. Mom's father was a great man who loved her dearly. He was a kind hearted man that tried as best he could to shield her from her mother. In fact, he spent most of his life trying to shield people from his wife and make up for her mischief.
During our talks I learned many things about Mom's hardships growing up. One of the things that shocked me most came out while I was reading
Anne of Green Gables to her. As Mom tired every afternoon, I would read to her. Mom loved it. Granted, Anne is a very lovable and funny character, but Mom was
really enjoying it. I paused one afternoon and Mom said, "This is the first time anyone has ever read a book to me." I think my heart actually stopped. I said, "What?!?!" She said, "No one ever read to me growing up." I was so astonished I couldn't speak. Listening to Mom read to us was one of my greatest joys growing up. How could no one have ever read to her? When my voice returned my egocentric self said, "But you read to us day and night growing up." She said, "I wanted you to have what I didn't."
Over the course of the trip, I found out that mom wanted us to have lots of things she didn't. She wanted us to know what it was like to have books read to us. She wanted us to have family vacations. She wanted us to have the security that comes from a traditional, loving family. But most of all, she wanted us to have and feel unconditional love. Her sacrifices for these goals were numerous and great and now as I am fully involved in raising my own child, I can better understand their depths.
My mother overcame lots of obstacles throughout her life. She was a fighter with a God-given, unswayable positive attitude. She wanted better for her children than she had and worked hard at overcoming her own mother's attitude towards her.
I learned a lot on our trip. Biltmore is truly an engineering and architectural marvel and well worth the drive to North Carolina. I learned that my mother was one of the most amazing people that I have ever known and there was far more to her than being just a mother. Her influence over people was vast and profound. The number of cards I received after her passing testifying to the impact she had on friend's lives were too numerous to count. I learned that she had overcome great hurdles to become the Godly woman that she was and that life was not very easy for her although she never showed it. I learned that she fully relied on God. I learned just how much I would miss her.
We arrived home on a Sunday. Mother went into the hospital the following Wednesday never to return home again. Less than a month later she was gone.
How do you sum up some one's life? What benchmarks do you evaluate to determine its' value? Her life was hard. She overcame a difficult childhood with a difficult and mean mother. She overcame many tough choices she had to make throughout her marriage. She lived through 10 years of battling cancer. In the end, her love for God surpassed all these difficulties. Her reward is heaven.
A couple of days before her passing, while she was in hospice, she talked about the "people" in the corner by the Light waiting for her. One morning she told me she had talked to Jesus that night and she now understood and was ready to go home. Some may say that these are the rantings of a woman on morphine. I don't believe they were. Her passing was calm and peaceful and beautiful surrounded by love. She knew what she was doing and she knew where she was going. It is just as the Lord designed. Light, peace, love and beauty are His creations and they are her rewards for her life devoted to Him.
We all have issues. We all have things we have to overcome and work through. How do we work through these issues? How can we solve our problems? We can't...at least not alone. God is the answer. He knows us and knows what we need even before we ask. Mom fully relied on Him. Yours truly is learning to fully rely on Him. You'd think that after 40 years I would be a little quicker to turn to Him but I'm not. I struggle and wallow in serious negativity until I remember that I can't do it alone. It's like my brother said, "We are sheep and sheep are stupid." Actually, I wish I was more like sheep because I think I would listen for His voice more than I do. To be only slightly smarter than a sheep is a dangerous thing. Too much self reliance will knock you to your knees and take you to dangerous depths where our problems seem insurmountable. But nothing is too big or too hard for God.
Thank you Mother for teaching me the value of relying on God. I'm a work in progress and with God's help I can grow to become a force for Him just as you were. Our issues are nothing for God. He can wipe them away and fill you with His light, love, peace and beauty if only we'll seek Him.
